Retrograde
by HotJaySexyCraigCutieSean
Summary: Sean and Emma cannot wait to spend the rest of their lives together, so they decide to take the plunge and get married; but a certain tragety happens that leaves Emma unable to remember her friends, family, and the love of her life as she once knew them.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: Just for future reference, Sean never left Degrassi to spend time in Wasaga beach, therefore Emma/Jay, Emma/Peter, Emma/Damian never happened. _

_Sean leaves the Army, even though it pays good money, because if he and Emma want to support a family he wants to be there. He also puts aside his dream of owning his own auto repair shop for financial reasons, and decides that going to medical school to become a doctor would be the best decision for him and Emma down the road._

**RETROGRADE**

_Retrograde Amnesia – _

_1. Loss of memory for events occurring prior to, but not after, the onset of a current disease or trauma._

_2. Form of amnesia where subject will be unable to recall events that occurred before the onset of amnesia._

**CHAPTER 1**

_Emma's Point Of View_

Boring. Saturday. Afternoon. I lay on the couch, my feet propped up on Sean's lap. Normally, I enjoyed nothing more than bad reality television on a lazy Saturday afternoon, but today I was feeling restless. I lifted my foot and gently tapped the newspaper in front of Sean's face.

"Stop."

I did it again.

"Stop."

I did it again, harder.

The paper slowly lowered to reveal his handsome, annoyed face.

"You really don't want to start something you can't finish." He raised the paper back to his face.

I kicked it.

"That's it," he said and tossed the paper behind the couch. Before I could blink he was on top of me, wearing a deliciously evil grin. He had both of my hands pinned above my head, using only one of his.

"Well, now what are you gonna do?" I asked, not even bothering to fake a struggle. He stared down at me and pretended to contemplate his next move. His thick light brown hair was still wet from the shower and it began to drip on my face.

"Marry me."

"I've already agreed to that," I said, wiggling my ring finger on my still restrained hand.

"No. Today. Tonight."

"What? We can't do that, we can't just-"

"Why?" he asked, his hand still holding both of mine, his blue eyes were shining, challenging me to come up with a good reason.

"Uh, because I have wedding plans in motion, because Manny would kill both of us, because we both would kill our parents, because we don't have a marriage license yet-"

"No. No good. I veto all of those reasons," he said, flippantly.

"You can't veto my reasons!"

"Yes I can."

"What do you wanna do? Go to Vegas and get married by Elvis?" I asked, sarcastically.

"Well…yeah."

He was serious.

"You're serious."

"I am. Look, I've been waiting since high school to marry you. I'm tired of waiting," he shrugged.

"Oh," I said, trying to wrap my mind around his idea.

"If we're doing it anyway, what's the difference?"

"I just gave you a rather lengthy list."

"I'm not marrying you for Manny or our parents or flowers or anything else you said, so none of those counts as a reason not to. Do you want to marry me?"

"Don't be ridiculous. You know there is nothing I've ever wanted more."

"Good. Let's go get married."

My heart began to flutter as I realized that every dream, every fantasy I've ever dared to have was about to come true. I didn't want to wait another seven months, or even seven hours. I suddenly wanted this, badly.

He let my hands free and I instantly wrapped them around his neck and squealed.

"That was the girliest thing you've ever done," he said.

"Cut me some slack, it's my wedding day," I said, planting quick kisses down his throat. "We should get up."

"We should," he murmured into my shoulder. I slid my hands to the button of his jeans.

"I mean, traditionally, we shouldn't be doing this right now," I said, yanking the button open.

"Traditionally," he agreed, pulling my shirt over my head. "But, we've been doing this for years now…not that I'm complaining."

"True," I said, convinced.

He pulled away and looked down at me. He nodded his head slowly.

"I can't believe you're mine," he stated simply.

"Likewise. Can we save the mush for the honeymoon?" I asked pulling his pants down. He smiled crookedly at me.

"Lose the sweatpants, Nelson."

-:-

"Okay," Sean sauntered into the bedroom. "I map-quested from Phoenix to Vegas, we should – there is no way you need all of that," he said, gesturing to my stuffed suitcase with a map in his hand.

"Of course I do," I said, trying to shut my luggage.

"When did you turn into Manny?"

"Haha. Look, I just want to be perfect for you, okay?"

"Emma, nothing in or out of that suitcase could make you any more perfect for me."

"Fine. I want to look pretty in our wedding pictures," I said, holding up a disposable camera. He walked over to me and took a hold of my hips. He moved me three steps over and swiftly and neatly shut the same suitcase I struggled for fifteen minutes with.

I glared at him.

He winked at me.

"Hi honey, we're home!" a big voice boomed from the living room.

"Shit," I whispered. "Go out there-"

Too late.

Sean's friend, Jay, stood in the doorway, his muscular arms reaching up so his hands gripped the archway. Beautiful Liberty, one of my best and oldest friends, was at his side.

"We're bored," he said, looking at us expectantly.

"Shall we tap dance for you?" Sean asked dryly.

"Not you, but Emma could," Jay grinned.

"Do you guys want to go to a movie or something?" Liberty asked, ignoring Jay.

Sean and I looked at each other.

"Uh, no, we're tired and-"

"We have Manny with us, so you're wasting your breath," Liberty said.

Just then, Manny appeared, slipping her body in between Jay and Liberty. She opened her mouth to say something, then snapped it shut.

Shit.

She slowly looked around the room, her eyes lingering on the suitcase on the bed. Her hands went to her hips, her eyes back and forth between me and Sean.

"You guys didn't mention you were going anywhere," she said suspiciously.

"We're not." I said.

"It's spur of the moment." Sean mentioned at the same time.

"Well, which is it?" Manny asked.

"Busted," Jay sang from the doorway.

"No big deal, Manny. We'll be back by tomorrow night. You won't even miss us," I said, trying to sound nonchalant.

"Where are you guys going?" Liberty asked.

"Oh, you know, road trip," I said, glancing to Sean for help.

"For less than 24 hours? And you packed a suitcase full of clothes? Emma, you don't go through that many clothes in a week!" Manny said, pointing at me accusingly.

She had me there.

"We're going to Vegas," Sean said.

"YES!" Jay said from the doorway.

"No," Manny moaned.

Sean looked at Jay.

"Emma and I are going to Vegas," he said pointedly.

"Nobody's going to Vegas without me," he said.

"Nobody's going to Vegas, period," Manny said.

Sean rolled his eyes and took my hand.

"Ready, baby?" he asked.

"Yep."

"Stop. I know what this is," Manny said slowly, her eyes narrowing. "You're getting married." The way her voice burned with accusation, you'd have thought we killed her dog.

"Really?" Liberty was ecstatic. "We're definitely coming, now!"

Outside in the driveway a horn honked.

"Toby's waiting in the car," Jay said, unaffected by Manny's revelation.

"Please go get him," Manny said. "We're not going anywhere any time soon." She flopped on the bed.

"Fine, you stay. We're leaving," I said.

"What about med school?" Manny blurted out. "You graduate in six months Sean! Why not wait?"

"Well, mom, I will graduate in six months. We'll be back before Monday morning. I won't even miss one day of school."

"But…the calla lilies…they're ordered…and, and the menu is all set…I wrote a speech, and Emma's dress- MY DRESS and…" she suddenly let out a short squeak and pointed to the disposable camera next to her like it was a snake. "Photographer," she whimpered.

"Come with us," I said reluctantly. She was my best friend and heartbroken. Besides, she put more work into this wedding than me and Sean combined, we owed it to her.

Manny jumped from the bed and hurled herself at me.

"Really?" she screeched. "Can I give my speech? Can I wear my dress? It needs a few alterations but – oh, fuck it, I wanna wear it-"

"Me, too," Liberty yelled from the doorway. "And I want a bouquet!"

"I still get to be the best man!" Jay said, returning with Toby.

"I'm still stuck being head usher," he chimed in, faking enthusiasm.

I looked at Sean, defeated. He smiled and shrugged his shoulders. Around us, our friends talked excitedly and made plans. I remembered what he said. None of it mattered, only us. I was surprised to find I was glad our friends would be there, to share this. God knows we've shared everything else. It was only right they would be there. They were a part of our history and definitely a part of our future. They were our family.

An hour later we were cramped in Jay's jeep.

"I ain't reading that," Jay said from the driver's seat. He crumpled up the paper and threw it behind his shoulder to the backseat.

"The best man is reading it," Manny said. "I'm sure Toby would be happy to read it if you want to step down. Emma picked it out for her wedding and so help me God I will salvage whatever is left of it," Manny ranted, her voice becoming high pitched. She was still mourning the lilies.

"Fine, give it back," Jay said.

"No. I don't like your attitude."

"Give it back, Manny."

"No, Jay."

He reached behind himself and blindly grabbed for Manny.

"Knock it off, Jay," Liberty said, smoothly and evenly.

He did.

"Ha," Manny said, but she leaned up and tossed the paper on Jay's lap.

"I can't believe you're actually going to be married," Toby mused.

"There's still time, Sean. I can pull over and leave the old ball and chain on the side of the road."

"Oh, please, Jay. You'd miss me," I said.

"I really don't think it'll be that big of a change," Liberty said. "You guys have been practically married since high school."

It was true. I was already his wife as he was my husband, this ceremony only made the rest of the world recognize it.

"Yeah, but once she has him legally, it'll cost him a lot more to get out," Jay antagonized.

Sean leaned up and cracked Jay on the back of his head.

"Have you seen this abusive side, Emma? Maybe _you_ oughtta rethink this."

"What does Snake say?" Manny asked, ignoring Jay the way only she could.

"Well…nothing. We didn't tell him. I'm sure he won't be too upset, it saves him from having to stand up in front of half the town."

"Well what does your mom think?" Toby asked.

Sean and I were silent.

"You did tell your mom, right?" Manny asked.

"No…and we didn't eat all of our vegetables, either," Sean answered.

"Oh, you joke, tough guy, but if you thought _my_ reaction was bad…"

"Spike's gonna hit the roof," Liberty finished.

"She'll get over it," I said, confidently.

"Right. You are SO dead when they find this out," Jay grinned and turned up the radio.

-:-

Our vows had been simple and timeless, the same sweet words that millions before us uttered. The chapel was…well, a Vegas chapel. It could have been a pig sty for all I cared. What mattered was we were bound to each other for eternity, no matter what. During the ceremony, Sean spoke softly to me. There was a peaceful confidence about him that soothed any nerves I had. The way he looked at me made my chest ache for him, he was so beautiful and good…and all mine.

Toby was smiling quietly, his arm linked with Liberty's, who was softly crying and occasionally blubbering something about polyester flowers. Manny beamed with pride as Jay stepped forward to read the excerpt I had chosen. He cleared his throat and straightened his tie. I prayed he wouldn't fuck it up.

Surprisingly, he looked humbled and happy. He looked at Sean and mouthed something I couldn't quite make out, but Sean smiled and nodded his head. Then Jay began.

"An excerpt from the poem, "_Because She Would Ask Me Why I Love Her", _by Christopher Brennan.

_Then seek not, sweet,_

_The if and why._

_I love you now_

'_Til the day I die_

_For I must live_

_Because I live_

_And life in me_

_Is what you give._

It was so perfect and true, especially for me and Sean.

-:-

The next morning I stared in disbelief at the bags and packages piled on top of Manny and Jay's hotel bed.

"How- I mean when did you have time to do this?" I stammered.

"Well…everyone fell asleep! I was bored and well…the shops in Vegas don't close and…come on! Who didn't see this coming?" Manny defended herself.

"Well, there's no way it'll all fit," Jay sighed.

"Well, there's no way I'm taking any of it back," Manny said.

"It's you or the clothes, Manny," Jay said, irritated and hung over.

"Wait," Sean said. "Emma and I can take the train."

"A train?" I asked flatly.

"Yeah, it'll be fun."

Manny looked at me hopeful.

"Why don't you take the train? It's your fault," I said.

"Why don't you all get on the damn train?" Jay spat, rubbing his head. It wouldn't be a fun ride home with Jay. How bad could the train be? I looked at Sean and shrugged.

"Why not?"

-:-

"You were right. This is kinda fun," I said.

"Am I ever wrong?" Sean asked.

"Don't push it."

"Ah, but I can now, I've got you," he winked and flashed his ring in my face.

"You always had me."

"Well, what are we going to tell everybody?"

"According to the train schedule, Manny is going to beat us home by an hour. That's more than enough time for her to call…everybody. We won't have to say a word."

"She wouldn't."

"She will," I said.

"Saves us the trouble, I guess."

"I am Mrs. Cameron," I declared abruptly.

"Yes," Sean said, smirking.

"Say it," I said.

"Mrs. Cameron," he said, humoring me.

"Now say Mrs. Sean Cameron."

"Mrs. Sean Cameron."

"Now say Emma Cameron."

"Emma Cameron."

"I love it. Hand me my purse, I want to get a pen."

He looked at me puzzled, but tossed the purse in my lap anyway. I dug out and old receipt and a pen and carefully signed my new name.

"It looks perfect," I said.

"It does," he agreed, amused by my handiwork. I wrote Mr. and Mrs. S. J. Cameron. He laughed at me.

"What?" I asked.

"You used to write the same thing all over your notebooks at school."

"You saw that?"

"Yep,"

"Well…it's real now," I said and he kissed me.

"When did you know you were going to marry me?" I asked, enjoying my school girl antics.

"High School. Freshman year. Winter dance. Last song." He answered without hesitating. I stared at him.

"No, be serious."

"I am. You were wearing that hideous purple dress-"

"You didn't like that dress?"

"No. Anyway, you stepped all over my toes and it hurt like hell and there was something stuck in your braces –,"

"There was not!"

"There was…and the only thing I could think was 'I love this girl'. Then I knew."

"I love you, Sean."

"I love you, Mrs. S. J. Cameron," He flashed me his gorgeous smile.

There was an unusually loud smack of metal, and Sean and I were both lurched to the side. Then everything went black.


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER 2**

_Sean_

Pain. The only thought I could muster was pain. In my bones, coursing through my veins, in every cell of my being. Pain. I tried to open my eyes. More pain.

"Here–he's coming–he's waking up." My mother's voice was far, it sounded like she was under water. I forced my eyes to blink open, everything was fuzzy.

"Tracker, go have Doctor Lancit paged." I heard my mother again, but my eyes couldn't find her.

"Sean, Sean!" Suddenly, her face was an inch from mine.

"Geez, get outta his face, Mom." I heard Tracker from across the room. My mother didn't move; I wished she'd listen to him.

"Can you hear me, Sean? Do you see me?" She was so anxious. What the hell was going on? I tried to speak, but my throat was too dry and gritty.

"He's gone blind!" She cried. I felt her fingers on my forehead and it hurt.

"He's not blind, he's looking right at you," Tracker said.

My mother's eyes peered into mine.

"Hey," I whispered and my throat set on fire. She sobbed and took a step back. Suddenly, a bright light shined in my right eye, then quickly into my left. It hurt.

"Sean, do you know who I am?" I heard the doctor's calm voice. I gave a slight nod. I didn't dare try talking again.

"Do you know where you are?" he asked. With pain like this, I sure as hell better be in a hospital. With my head, I communicated affirmative again.

"Good. Sean, we put you in a medically induced coma ten days ago."

What? Why?

"Do you remember what happened?" he asked slowly.

No. Nothing. Just pain and confusion.

"Okay," he said and I heard papers shuffling.

"Are you in pain?" he asked. I nodded again and heard my mother start with fresh sobs. "We'll get you something for that." I felt a slight tug on my hand as a tube connected to it was moved. The room was silent. Within minutes, my pain began to fade. I could still feel its presence, but it was duller somehow.

Someone brought a straw to my lips.

"Do you want to try to drink?" my mother asked. I did. It was relieving and painful at the same time.

"What?" I whispered, hoping they'd understand.

"Sean, I'm going to briefly run through your injuries…do not get worked up. You will be ok, you're going to recover," Doctor Lancit said.

It was odd he said that, the thought that I could be dying never crossed my mind.

"Your left leg is broken in several places, you have three broken ribs on the left side, your left lung has been punctured, your left wrist is broken…there was some brain swelling, but fortunately it subsided on its own…it's a miracle that the only internal injury was the lung…which we repaired with surgery."

He was so matter of fact that it took me a moment to realize…I was broken.

This was bad.

But how?

"You're going to be ok, Sean," said my mother, breathlessly. She sounded like she was trying to believe it.

"Mr. and Mrs. Cameron," I heard Dr. Lancit say. "Can I speak with you in the hall?"

My mother kissed my forehead and I felt her tears wet my skin.

"Let him rest, Tracker," I heard my father say. Then they were gone.

I saw Tracker at the foot of the bed. My big brother was here. I didn't know how or why he suddenly decided to show up, but at least he was here. He looked very tired.

"Is it bad?" he asked.

I nodded.

He stared.

"God, you look like shit," he said. "You scared the piss out of me." I saw him wipe his eye on his sleeve.

"What?" I asked. He knew what I meant, and I knew he couldn't lie.

"I…I'm not supposed to…I should let you rest."

"Tracker," I whispered and I hoped he could hear the desperation in my voice.

He looked at me for a long moment.

"It was that fucking train."

Train? I got hit by a train? I couldn't focus my mind.

"Look, take it easy…just–" he jumped in when he saw my confusion.

"No…train?"

"It got hit…and it derailed," he said quietly and I saw him shudder.

"Tracker," My father's voice rang out quietly but sharply.

"He's asking…and I won't lie to him," Tracker said, unapologetically.

"You need to rest, Sean." The doctor ordered after he returned. "In the morning we'll run some tests and get a clearer picture of what it going on."

"Train?" But even as I was asking, something in my mind clicked.

Train.

_Emma and I can take a train home._

Manny's shopping.

Vegas.

Chapel.

Mrs. Cameron.

Emma.

My heart started to pound in my chest and I felt my eyes go wide with panic.

"Emma." My breathing was too loud.

"Sean, you have to calm down, or I'm going to have to sedate you."

"Emma." I looked at Tracker, but he wouldn't meet my eyes.

"Sean, right now we need to focus on your recovery. You have a very long road ahead of you…" I let his words fade out.

Something was very wrong.

I noticed my mother looking out the window, her back was to me and her shoulders were trembling.

"Say it," I said, trying to make my voice sound strong.

My mind was racing. I envisioned her, broken, like me. Paralysis? Amputated limbs? Disfiguring scars? It didn't matter. We'd come through this together. Whatever it was, I'd get her through. She would be fine. We'd both be fine.

My father pulled up a chair to my bedside. Tracker walked out of the room. My mother didn't move a muscle. I turned my head to look at my father. For the first time in my life, he looked scared.

He swallowed hard and began to speak.

"Just outside of Las Vegas, near an Indian reservation, a semi truck hit the train you and…you were on. The train derailed. There was a lot of damage….a fire. There were only three survivors, Sean. You are one of them."

I blinked. I didn't understand.

"Where is she?" I managed.

My father looked at me, waiting. For what, I wasn't sure.

"The other two survivors are a 45 year old man and his twelve year old daughter."

He looked at me carefully.

"You are the only three that survived."

Oh.

Suddenly, my mother's hands were on my face. She was crying.

"I'm so sorry, baby, so sorry," she sobbed.

"Wait. What?"

"She's gone," I heard my father say.

Gone? Gone where?

"Sean…she died."

Then it was like a dam broke.

My stomach clenched painfully and I started to gag. My father raised the hospital bed to a sitting position while I wretched and dry heaved, but nothing would come. I couldn't feel the pain in my body anymore; I couldn't feel anything. I was faintly aware of the grotesque noises coming from me. My parents were on either side of me, grasping my limp, heavy hands. My breaths started to shake my body violently.

"James…he's…help him!" I heard my mother's panicked voice.

Moments later my body was calmer, but my mind was still exploding…just slower. Then everything went dark.

When I woke, the room was dark except for a dim light above my head. I flopped my head and saw Tracker sitting in a chair in the corner, his head in his hands.

"She died," I said quietly, praying that Tracker couldn't confirm it. He looked up from the floor and met my eyes.

"Yeah."

"She's my wife," I said, as if that could resurrect her.

"Yes."

"I don't–I can't really feel it. I can't make myself believe it."

Tracker shook his head.

"Tell me," I said.

"Sean, I can't even–I don't even get it yet and I've been conscious the past ten days."

"Tell me," I said again. I wanted to know.

"It's bad. We thought…look, the train went flying everywhere…in pieces. There was a fire…a fuel truck hit the train. I saw the wreckage, I had to. It's…you can't even tell…nobody should have survived that."

I shook my head. He knew what I wanted.

"There was a funeral six days ago. Emma's father just didn't want to prolong it. We didn't know if…we weren't sure if you'd be ok when you woke up or if you'd be a veg–…we just didn't know. It was awful. A ton of people came. Her mom just…isn't doing well. I've never seen so many flowers at a funeral–"

"Stop." I couldn't hear anymore.

The next eleven weeks in the hospital were slow and numb.

I went through the motions of physical therapy.

Manny would come by everyday and cry, though we never said much to each other. We held hands and she would sob while I lay there, not thinking about anything at all.

Toby and Liberty came in shifts. She would open the blinds and ramble about work or a movie while I didn't bother pretending to listen. Toby didn't say much, we'd usually just stare at the glowing television. Occasionally, he'd help me up and supported me while I practiced hobbling down the quiet hallways.

Jay would come and we'd play cards or just sit.

Of course, my parents hovered constantly. Tracker hadn't shown up again since the night I'd woken up. Thankfully, he probably knew I'd get too many visitors anyway.

Everyone seemed to be waiting, myself included. For what, I don't know. A breakdown? A miracle? Emma? But it never came and nobody ever spoke of it.

During my eleventh week in the hospital, there were rumblings of my release. I hadn't given much thought to getting out. I wasn't anxious to leave. I didn't want to stay, either. It didn't matter where I was; nothing was waiting for me when I got out.

My mother walked in briskly one morning, smiling.

"Today's the day," she beamed. "I've got your room all ready, I set you up in the den. I know you'd be more comfortable in your room, but with the stairs I thought–"

"What?"

"You're coming home today."

"Home. My home." Suddenly, it mattered. A lot.

"Sean, don't be ridiculous. You'll stay with–"

"No. I want to go home."

"Darling, it will be much easier–"

"Please," I said, raising my casted hand. She looked torn, though she shouldn't have. There was no choice to make.

"Okay. But I'm staying."

Fine. It didn't matter.


	3. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER 3**

Three months later.

My body progressed. As predicted, physically, I healed. I went back to school; my professors were sympathetic and made allowances for me.

I ate.

Sometimes I slept, but never long enough.

I showered.

I vacuumed.

I watered Emma's plants.

The only feeling I could bear to feel for Emma was jealousy. She had by far gotten the better end of the deal.

I didn't cry or wallow.

I wasn't in hell. That would require feeling something.

I just existed.

Occasionally, my friends would take me somewhere, anywhere. It didn't matter much what we did, I wasn't there anyway. We never talked about her, but it was brewing and we all knew it.

Then finally, something broke.

I was on my couch in front of the T.V. Jay and Manny were in the kitchen, making dinner. I was no longer an invalid, but I was still treated like one. I never protested; they needed to feel like they were doing something to help me, so for their sake I pretended to appreciate it. Liberty was perched on the arm of the couch next to me, waiting for Toby to come from work.

"Where's my ring?" I asked suddenly.

"What?"

"My wedding ring. I want it."

"Oh. Do you think that's a good idea?" Liberty asked cautiously.

"It's mine and I want it." I got up and started yanking open random drawers, spilling out the contents, searching for the ring.

"We'll find it, Sean, just –,"

"I want the damn ring!" I yelled at her, slamming a desk drawer shut. I didn't know what I was doing, but something was bubbling up inside of me and I couldn't stop. I whipped the cushions off of the couch and dug my hands in the crevices. Manny and Jay heard my yelling and came in.

"Dude, what are ya doin'?" Jay asked too gently. Liberty looked at him, frantic.

"He wants his ring."

"That's right. I want my fucking ring." I headed to the bookshelf and started tossing books from it. I don't know why, I knew the ring wasn't there. I kept tossing books and paused when I held Emma's tattered copy of Jane Eyre in my hands.

"Fucking Bronte," I let out a sharp, bitter laugh. "Why does she reread this shit?" I whipped the book at the wall. It hit with a crack, then thudded to the floor. I went back to my task of emptying the shelf.

"You're not gonna find the ring in there," Jay said, coolly. I pivoted on my heel to look at him, but instead I saw Manny, clutching Emma's book to her chest, crying.

"Put it down," I said.

She didn't move.

"Put the damn book down, Manny."

Jay whispered something to her and she left the room, taking Emma's book with her.

"Your mom has the ring," Jay said, his arms across his chest.

"Why?" I asked, angry for no reason.

"She thought it would be easier if–"

"If we pretended my wife never existed?" Jay winced. Liberty crumpled to the floor. I stood there like a stone.

"We didn't want to push…we were following your lead," Jay said.

I put my hands in my hair and turned for the stairs. I took them two at a time, Jay and Liberty on my heels. I went to my bedroom and threw open the closet door. I revealed her clothes, her shoes, exactly where she left them. I'd been meticulous about not touching a single thing. I fell to my knees and started throwing the shoes over my shoulder.

"Jesus, Sean," Liberty gasped. Manny appeared just seconds later.

"Do you want her shoes, Manny? Hell, you picked them all out yourself and it's not like Emma's gonna wear them anytime soon."

I stood up and yanked an armful of clothes from the rack and turned to toss them on the bed. When I looked up I saw Jay holding Manny protectively to his chest. Liberty was consoling her. I walked into the bathroom and grabbed the small garbage can. With one arm I cleared the counter of Emma's lotions and toiletries. I grabbed her toothbrush and hairdryer and tossed them in the can. I threw the shower curtain back and grabbed the half empty bottle of honey vanilla shampoo on the shelf. I unscrewed the cap and emptied the bottle into the tub. The fucking shampoo taunted me every morning. I inhaled deeply without thinking and I was assaulted by the scent. Emma's scent. I let the bottle drop in the tub and walked out.

I walked back in the bedroom.

"There. Now it'll be a lot easier to go on pretending she never existed at all." I tossed the garbage can on the bed, on top of her clothes. They stared at me, dumbfounded, nervous to make a move.

"What the hell is going on?" I heard Toby's voice behind me.

"Nothing much. We're forgetting Emma," I said casually.

"I see," Toby said, brushing past me to comfort Manny.

"It's my fault," she blurted out.

"Manny, don't–" Toby began.

"No. It is. It's my fault."

"Here we go," Jay breathed.

"Sean, I'm sorry. So sorry," Manny said, approaching me. I took a step back.

"If I…if I didn't buy all of that crap…all of that meaningless crap…it wouldn't have happened."

I looked at her, but didn't argue. The thought had crossed my mind before. Then again, I'd spent months combing my mind for every what if. What if Manny hadn't shopped? What if Jay wasn't hung over? What if I never suggested the fucking train? What if I never said 'marry me.'? What if she didn't kick my newspaper? The series of events that led to this was beside the point. They happened and I was past trying to place blame. It didn't bring her back to me.

I watched Toby pull Manny in to his arms. I said nothing. This was Manny's cross to bear.

-:-

6 months later

I graduated at the top of my class. Mom and Dad were proud. People expected it to be a turning point for me. It held no satisfaction. I suppose there was a sense of accomplishment, but also a sense of dread. It meant my life was moving forward and Emma's never would.

I refused a graduation party, though it crushed my mother, I knew I wouldn't have been able to handle it. People were starting to worry again. I had made no emotional progression. I just…couldn't.

The night of my graduation, my friends insisted on taking me out. That was fine. I could sit, drink, let them carry on conversation without me and it would appease them.

"Is there a doctor in the house?" Jay boomed as he plunked a bottle of beer in front of me. He ruffled my hair and plopped in the chair next to mine.

"Well, how does it feel?" Manny asked. I wish I knew.

"Good," I said and flashed my teeth, hoping it would pass for a smile.

"Play darts with me," Toby said and stood.

"I play winner," Jay announced.

"Uh, you don't drink and dart, remember?" Liberty asked. "It's dangerous. Last time you almost nailed Emma–sorry."

"Don't be. Emma shouldn't be taboo," I said, surprising even myself. Liberty nodded.

"I'll come watch," Manny said.

"Me too. We'll cheerlead," Liberty said.

With great effort I led them to the dart board.

A while later I was leaning against the bar, watching Manny and Liberty throw darts. Jay stood next to me, shouting cheers and insults at the girls. Suddenly, a short blonde girl was next to me.

"I noticed you needed a dart partner," she said, leaning in too close.

"No…no I'm just watching," I said, staring at the dartboard.

"I'm pretty good, if you change your mind."

Jay leaned over me and extended his hand.

"I'm Jay," he said. She took his hand.

"Carolyn…but call me Carrie."

"This is Sean," Jay said, jerking his head at me. What the hell was he doing?

"Ah, Sean doesn't say much, huh?" she joked with Jay.

"He's a man of few words," Jay said over my head. I stared ahead, my insides started to burn.

"Mysterious. I like it," the girl said, no longer looking at Jay. She was staring up at me. I held up my left hand, where my wedding ring was securely on my finger.

"I'm married," I said flatly.

"She's a lucky girl," Carrie sighed.

"You have no idea," I agreed. The girl walked away and I looked up to see four pairs of eyes staring at me.

"Don't," I said.

"This…cannot be…healthy," Toby stammered.

"I said don't." What did they want? I never claimed to be ok.

I swerved around the bodies in the crowded bar, trying to get to the door, to fresh air. They followed.

"Sean," Toby called once we were in the parking lot.

"What?" I asked and turned. The four of them lined up across from me. I squared my shoulders, daring them to question my behavior.

"That was…geez Sean…" Toby trailed off.

"That was weird," Jay said loudly. "It's been a year Sean. You can't act like–"

"What do you want me to do? Do you want me to date? Fine, I will. I'll do what is normal. I'll keep letting you cook me dinner and I'll keep going out when and where you tell me to and I'll wake up every morning and sleep at night and it won't change a damn thing. Just don't ask me to love somebody else, because I can't."

"Nobody is asking you to fall in love or even date somebody," Liberty said, her palms facing up.

"Well, then what?" I asked, exasperated. "Tell me, because I don't know what you want from me."

"You said you were married," Manny said quietly.

"I am."

"No…you're not," Jay said.

I looked at Manny.

"Is she not the best friend you will ever have?"

"Always," Manny said, fiercely.

"Toby, will you not always think of her as your sister?"

"Of course I will. Of course."

"Well, she will always be my wife. Understand that."

It was quiet while we all digested the exchange.

"Come on, there's somewhere we need to be," Manny said, fishing the keys from Jay's pocket.

"Can't I–I really want to go home," I said.

"No. This is important," Manny said.

Twenty minutes later we were in front of a cemetery.

I drew a shaky breath. I've never been here before.

"I don't know if I can."

"Of course you can," Liberty said. Toby looked at me and nodded his head.

"S'ok," he said. I nodded back, trying to reassure myself.

Manny and Liberty held hands and led the way. There was a sick sense of excitement. I don't know what I expected, but suddenly I was glad to be there.

"Here we are," Manny said, stopping. She stepped aside and my eyes fell on her name etched in the smooth granite. It was small, rectangular and too understated for everything that lay beneath it. Somehow, I wanted this stone to convey everything she was. I wanted more.

My eyes closed and I slowly shook my head.

"Alright?" Jay clapped his hand on my back.

"Yah," I said and reluctantly opened my eyes. Manny and Liberty were sitting on either side of the stone, their hands still clasped together, Emma between them. I noticed fresh flowers surrounding the stone.

"Did you guys do this?" I asked the girls, leaning down to touch a flower.

"Yeah…well, we all take turns. Once a week someone comes by to bring flowers and…be alone with her. It was actually Spike's idea," Manny said.

"How long have you been doing this?"

"Well…a year now," Manny said, quietly.

"Ever since?"

"Ever since."

Shame burned inside of me. I felt like I neglected her. I went and lived my pathetic existence, not once considering coming here. All the while my friends and family were here, being with her, bringing flowers.

"Thank you," I said.

"We loved her, too," Liberty shrugged.

I knelt down and let my shaky fingers touch the stone. I wanted her with me. I was tired. Exhausted of living without her. It abruptly occurred to me that there was no way I could live the next fifty years like this. I couldn't just wait for something that would never come. I couldn't move forward, either. I was stuck.

"I can't do this anymore," I said out loud, conviction in my voice. "I can't be like this. The thing is…I can't get past it, either."

"You have to get through it, Sean. You keep trying to fling yourself past it, but it doesn't work like that," Toby said.

"Every plan I've ever made for the future was centered around her. Ever since I was a kid, everything I did was with her in mind. Do any of you have any idea what it's like to lose the point of your whole life–" I saw Liberty look up at me and I immediately regret what I said. "I…Liberty…"

Liberty nodded, her expression forgiving. "It's okay," she said, picking at the grass by her feet. "When I gave my baby up for adoption, I felt the same way – like I'd lost him, even though I knew I'd have a choice to be in his life. It was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make."

Everyone waited, anticipating what was going to be said next, even though they all already knew. Still, they all remained silent. The air around them was still as she continued.

"When I lost J.T., though, I knew I'd never see him again…that I didn't have a choice to be with him or not. I couldn't just suddenly decide that I wanted to speak to him one day, just to hear his voice, resolve any issues we'd had. And I didn't get a chance to say I was sorry." She stared long into the distance with a solemn expression on her face. "That was one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through, especially once I figured out that I was still in love with him."

"It was a hard time for all of us," Toby chimed in, and everyone agreed.

"Sean, it's going to be painful, but you'll get through this." said Manny. "You have us; we won't make you go through this alone."

"I know," I said. "It's just…it seems like there is nothing for me. There's not even pain to focus on anymore. There is nothing."

"Don't say that," Manny said. "There's your parent's. There's your career, there's–"

"And all of it means nothing without her. It all just doesn't matter to me…because she's in here and not with me," I said, my palms on the ground in front of me.

"She's not in there," Manny said.

"Spare me the She Lives in Your Heart speech."

"There is no speech. She's literally not in there," Manny said bluntly.

"Manny, not now," Toby said.

"No, if he's going to deal with this, let's deal with it for real," she said harshly.

"What are you talking about?" My heart beat faster.

"They never recovered her remains. There was a fire. Several bodies were never found, including Emma's."

I stood up. My mind was swimming, trying to recall the particulars of her injuries…but I came up with nothing. Nobody ever told me. I never asked. My feet were heavy over her empty grave.

"So…they just…how come nobody told me?"

"You never asked for details. We thought it might make it worse. In the end, we figured it didn't matter much…either way…she was gone."

Manny was the only one to speak. The others stared at me like I had a bomb strapped to my chest.

"We were wrong, Sean. I see that now."


	4. Chapter 4

**CHAPTER 4**

_Emma_

I sat straight up in bed, perspiring in a cold sweat, my heart pounding.

Another dream featuring the beautiful brown haired, blue-eyed man. He wore the same beautiful smile he had in all of my dreams. His hand was extended out to me, I wanted to go to him, but I couldn't move my feet. Then I woke up. I let my breathing slow and automatically raised my hand up to my forehead, under my bangs to stroke the scar.

"Jackie? You alright?" Jesse stood over me looking worried, holding a glass of water.

"I'm fine. Just another dream," I shrugged. Jesse knew I had vivid dreams, but I never told him about the beautiful man in them. It seemed too personal.

"Well…you should try to sleep. We have work tomorrow." He kissed the top of my head and I smiled up at him. He grinned and turned to click the light off. I couldn't sleep, so I did what I did most sleepless nights. I recalled my earliest memories, which only reached about one year back, and even those were pretty basic.

_Jesse's face was the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes. He looked relieved. He asked me questions, none of which I could answer. Days went by, a tribal doctor came in every day. He explained he combined his knowledge of western and natural herbal medicine to treat me. I was confused, but grateful that everyone was so kind and patient. I never really questioned anything, I couldn't form really coherent thoughts._

_Jesse was constantly at my bedside. At first, we didn't say much, but slowly he let my story trickle out. I was a survivor of a derailed train. I wouldn't have believed it, but it was the only explanation I had. He told me his family, who lived on a ranch, had helped with the clean up of the massive amount of wreckage. The night after the accident, he was out, just walking, about a quarter mile from the accident scene. He found me. I had been overlooked. The best he could tell, I had somehow managed to crawl away from the wreckage…or I was thrown on impact. He ran me back to the ranch, carrying me in his arms. The doctor insisted western medicine alone would not save my life. _

_By the time I was almost healed, I was enjoying life on the country side, particularly Jesse. His family was now my family. I'd taken to doing their cooking and cleaning, being a caretaker of sorts. Soon I was referred to as an honorary member. I didn't know my name, and it wasn't long before the moniker 'Jesse's sidekick' wasn't cutting it anymore. We'd all settled on Jackie, as it was close to the name Jesse, and I was, after all, his female counterpart. We were a lot alike, we shared a similar sense of humor and interests. Things were easy and fun with Jesse. I felt safe and protected when I was with him. I was happy…he was my best friend and…more. I knew he was falling in love with me and I wasn't opposed to it. I wasn't in love with Jesse, but I did care for him very much. I was sure in time I would fall in love with him. It just hadn't happened yet._

_One morning Jesse walked into my room, his face was grim but he was trying to hide it._

"_We have to talk," he said, sitting on my bed._

"_Okay."_

"_Jackie, we have to find out about you…about where you come from…who you are."_

"_Why?" I asked, panic already building. I was safe and happy here. I didn't want to know anything else, to know another life._

"_Because! Because people probably miss you and love you–"_

"_But they'd be strangers to me!" I was horrified at the thought._

"_Jackie, you have parents, maybe siblings, maybe–" I cut him off, knowing what was coming next._

"_Then why wouldn't they be looking for me? If I was loved, why weren't they trying to find me?" I challenged._

"_Maybe they think you're dead," he shot back._

"_Well, they certainly never found a body, did they? I've yet to see my picture on the news, I haven't seen a frantic family, pleading for my safe return!"_

"_We can't know anything for certain," he said._

"_I know for certain I am safe and happy here. With you. I know I am loved."_

_His jaw tightened and he raked a hand through his glossy blonde hair._

"_This can't be…legal," he sighed, but he looked relieved._

"_Of course it is. Nobody is keeping me here against my will. This is my home."_

"_It is," he conceded._

_The truth was, I was scared. What if my life hadn't always been good? What if I wasn't, in fact, safe or loved? What if I was some kind of despicable person? _

_I briefly considered what Jesse said. If people loved me and missed me, they would surely be moving on by now. It was safer to stick to the sure thing. I had a guarantee of happiness here._

"_Well…do you want a job?" Jesse grinned._

"_Absolutely," I smiled back._

_That's how I started tending the only bar in town. My family owned the bar, so it was easy to skip all of the pesky information asked on the unnecessary application._

_Social Security Number? No clue._

_Job history? No idea._

_Convicted of a felon? Not entirely sure._

_Jesse and I laughed as I filled it out, making a joke of it, the way we always did._

"_You don't have to bother with that. The job is yours," Jesse said._

"_I know, but it makes me feel normal."_

"_Whatever you say…but you're far from normal," he mocked._

"_You're right. What normal person would hang out with you?"_

"_Ha Ha. Finish this so we can go," he said._

"_Okay, Boss." I returned my attention to the application._

_Married? Uh, no._

_Children? My hand hesitated over the yes/no boxes. I hadn't thought of that possibility. I supposed I was old enough to have children, but I wasn't even sure of my exact age. Then again, I wasn't sure of my sexual history, either. I hoped I wasn't the type of person who had sex without love…and I refused to believe I would not remember some great love; thus I deduced no children. I felt Jesse's eyes on me and quickly checked the no box._

"_Ready?"_

"_Ready."_

That was months ago.

Jesse and I had fun working at the bar, where the only patrons were family and friends. Very occasionally, we got a few out-of-towner's in or lost travelers looking for directions, which is why it was so odd when one afternoon I looked up from the bar to see five strangers settling in a round table in the back of the bar.

-:-

_Sean_

"I want to see where it happened," I told Manny over the phone. She was still in shock that I called her. I never called anyone.

"Wait. I'm still stuck on the fact that you know how to dial a phone."

"Funny."

"Well, to be honest…it is odd for you to call me. But I'm thrilled you–"

"Surprise! I can use a phone. But right now I need you to tell me exactly where it happened."

"Where what happened?"

"The accident."

She was silent.

"I need to see it," I said.

"There's nothing to see, Sean. Everything is gone. There's nothing there."

How fitting.

"I want to see it anyway."

"Today?" she asked, meaningfully.

"Today." The date was not lost on me. It was our one year anniversary. Still, that wasn't why it had to be today, that was just a rotten coincidence. I just woke up, needing to see it, but not knowing why.

"We're coming with you," she informed me.

"Fine," There was no point in arguing.

"Well, let me call Toby and Liberty…we'll pick you up," she sighed, going against her better judgement.

-:-

Jay pulled in to a dive bar in the small country town.

"What are you doing?" I asked impatiently. I didn't want to prolong this.

"Well, I for one will need a stiff drink before we do this," Jay said.

"Ditto," Toby said.

"Then I drive the rest of the way," Liberty said.

"Deal," Jay agreed.

They piled out of the jeep and followed. We walked in the door and stuck out like a sore thumb. It was full of town residents, some who nodded a surprised hello. We sat in the back and tried unsuccessfully to blend in. It was uncomfortable for us, except for Jay who felt right at home everywhere he went. He struck up a conversation with an old man at the table next to ours.

"What brings y'all to our side of town?" the old man asked in a thick southern accent.

"Ah, my little friend here wanted to check out the scene of that train wreck that happened last year."

"Sorry kids, nothin' much to see. I'd say you're a little late for gawkin'," he chuckled. "Though we did have quite a bit for a while."

My stomach dropped. I felt sick. People gawking…at her death.

"Well, it's more than gawking. Sean here is one of the infamous three who survived," Jay said proudly.

The man froze, his drink half way to his lips.

"Lucky me," I said dryly.

The man half stood in his chair.

"Jesse…Jess come on over here," he called.

A tall southern kid appeared next to the old man. His considerable arms were across his chest. I didn't like him.

"Everything alright, Harry?" he asked, eyeing our table.

"Sure. I just, uh, wanted you to meet my new friends. Sean over here is one of our _lucky three_."

I wasn't surprised, people were intrigued by me. One of the three survivors, a walking miracle, the newly married widower. Once people knew who I was, I tended to get a lot of unsolicited attention. And questions. I couldn't deal with any of that today.

"I'll go get our drinks," I said, standing up.

"No! No…let me," Jesse said quickly. He looked nervous.

I was an accident victim, not the president. This was odd.

Jesse listened to our drink orders, nodding nervously the whole time. His eyes kept darting to the bar. Suddenly, he turned to Harry.

"Hey, Harry, why don't you go tell Jackie to take her break now?"

Harry got up.

"So…the train. Wow," Jesse said, staring at me.

"Yeah, that pretty much sums it up," I said, wanting him to leave.

"You're married," he said abruptly, looking at my ring.

Was this guy serious?

"Look, buddy, can we just get our drinks?" Toby said.

"Sure," he said, but he hesitated by our table. "Was, ah, was your wife on the train?" He didn't look curious or even insensitive. He looked scared.

Jay stood up at the same time I did.

"It's very…hard," Manny offered to Jesse in a feeble attempt to calm Jay down.

I moved to walk out the door.

"Don't follow, just give me a minute. I'm fine," I told them.

Jesse stepped forward to follow me.

Jay stepped in front of him.

"What's your problem?" I heard Jay ask.

"Your friend can't go out there," Jesse said. He sounded desperate.

"What the hell kind of place is this?" Toby yelled.

Then I heard another voice behind me and my heart stopped.

-:-

_Emma_

"Why don't you go ahead and take a break now, Jackie?" Harry said. I looked at the watch Jesse bought me.

"Don't be silly, Harry, it's only 4:00."

"Well, I need some help out front so–"

"What's going on back there?" I interrupted him. I noticed him talking to the table of strangers earlier but I got curious when I heard him call Jesse over.

"Oh, nothin'…kids. Jess's getting their orders."

"It doesn't look like nothing." It looked intense. The three men were all standing now, one with his back to me, headed for the door. I worried for Jesse. He was strong and capable, but there were three of them.

"I'm going to see what's going on," I said and stepped out from under the bar.

"No, honey, stay put. Jess will take care of it."

The big guy asked Jesse what his problem was.

That was it.

I made my way to the back of the bar.

I got there just as the guy with the glasses was insulting my family's bar.

"What the hell kind of place is this?" he spat.

"The kind of place that is family owned and operated and doesn't appreciate drunk outsiders coming in and starting trouble," I said, my hands on my hips.

"What. The. Fuck?" the big guy said.

He was staring at me like I just announced I could raise the dead. They all were.


	5. Chapter 5

**CHAPTER 5**

_Emma_

"Is this some kind of sick fucking joke?" the one with the glasses asked.

"No, but if you're looking for one you're in the wrong place," I said.

Everything was silent. The entire bar was staring and an odd feeling overtook me. It didn't feel like an average bar fight.

The guy with his back to me doubled over, clutching his stomach.

"If he's gonna be sick, get him out of here," I said.

Nobody moved. Jesse put his hand on my back.

"Jackie, go–"

"Emma? Is that you?" a dark haired girl asked.

No. I prayed this wasn't what I thought it was.

She was crying and as white as a ghost.

"I'm Jackie," I said, sure to put a hard edge to my voice. My hand reached up under my bangs automatically to touch my scar, a nervous habit.

"It's her," a curly haired girl whispered. "It's you."

"It's not her," glasses guy said, shaking his head. "There's no way. No way."

"I don't know who you think I am, but…I'm not, so please just–"

"Leave," Jesse finished.

They all just stared at me, some with tears in their eyes, all of them white as sheets.

Suddenly the guy with his back to me straightened up and turned around.

The air left my lungs.

He was handsome…and familiar, the face in my dreams.

His thick brown hair was longer than in the visions in my dreams. It was more disheveled, and he looked thinner, gaunt.

But his eyes.

Those intense blue eyes were the same eyes that haunted me in my sleep.

Out of nowhere, the big guy shoved Jesse.

"What the fuck is going on? What have you done?" he roared at him.

That was it.

Chaos broke out around me. My friends and family descended in on their table, there was shoving and yelling and I heard the girls screaming.

I heard Jesse's voice, yelling at me to go in the back, but I couldn't see him through the confusion.

The cluster of tangled people slowly moved to the door.

The whole time I felt those blue eyes on me.

Eventually, the crowd passed through the door, the yelling slightly muted.

I stood between the table and the door.

The girl with the curly hair was still sitting, frozen. Her feisty friend had gotten tangled in the shoving.

On the other side of me, he hadn't moved at all. I turned to escape to the back.

"Don't go," the girl said, quietly, coming out of her daze.

"Look, I'm sorry you guys seem…mistaken. I'm not whoever you guys are looking for. Jackie," I said, poking my chest. The girl threw a helpless glance to her stunning blue eyed friend.

"It's her…I'd know her from anywhere," he whispered, and the certainty in his voice made me sick.

I gulped.

Outside, the scuffle quieted.

"Baby?" he said softly and reached out a hand to me. I took a step back. He bit his lip and stared pensively at me. "What did they do to you?"

"Who? My family?" I asked, trying to wipe the fear from my throat.

"Those people aren't your family," curly girl said.

"You people are delusional. Go look for your dead friend somewhere else."

"You aren't southern," she said.

"What I am is none of your business."

"You don't recognize us?" she asked.

"You're only just now getting that?" I was being rude and callous to people who were clearly in pain. I hated doing it, but I was too scared of the alternative.

"Were you in that train wreck? Last year?" she asked.

I stopped breathing.

There it was.

The moment I have been dreading for the past year, my biggest fear.

This was my past coming back for me.

-:-

_Sean_

Her muscles tensed when Liberty asked about the train. Before she could answer, the door swung open and Jay, Manny, Toby and Jesse walked in. The rest of the mob wasn't with them. Without a word Manny flung herself at Emma, throwing her arms around her neck. Emma's arms hung at her sides, her face was blank.

"She doesn't know us, Manny," Liberty said.

"I know that. But she will," Manny said, releasing Emma.

She doesn't know us.

Emma doesn't know me.

Of the thousands of dreams and fantasies I had regarding this miracle, not once had I imagined this.

"We need to sit down and figure this out," Toby said warily, not convinced she was here.

"There's nothing to figure out. You people busted in here, accused me of being someone I'm not and now you can leave," she said.

Jay stared at her wide eyed.

"Even dead, you're stubborn."

"I'm not dead!" she yelled.

Jesse put his arm around her shoulders.

My stomach rolled.

Oh no.

No.

No. No. No.

"Who the hell are you?" I asked him.

"I'm her boyfriend," he said, pulling her closer, confirming my fears. "Who the hell are you?"

"I'm her husband."

In true Emma fashion, she fainted.

-:-

_Emma_

I knew I hadn't been out long this time. Maybe two, three minutes. I was in Jesse's arms.

"She's fine. It happens a lot," he said as my eyes fluttered open.

"I know," I heard blue eyes say.

-:-

"If you people care about me like you say you do, you will leave, let me be happy. Just please, leave me alone. I'm not the girl you all loved. She doesn't exist anymore. So, just…please."

Their faces were so contorted with pain; I wasn't sure what they were going to do. We'd been sitting at the table for over an hour, making no progress. I refused to answer their questions, to consider anything they said.

"She's tired…can't we just stop for now?" Jesse asked.

"There's something else," Toby said, looking at me.

"What?" I was drained from the last hour. I'd just begged them not to call the police, not to tell this Archie and Christine Simpson that I existed. They hadn't said they wouldn't.

"You're married…still," Toby said, looking at my supposed husband, who hardly said anything at all.

"No, no, according to, well, everything, I'm dead. Can't we just keep it that way?" I asked, goose bumps covering my arms.

"No," Jay said. "After the accident, we couldn't get a death certificate. If there is no body, you cannot be declared legally dead for seven years. You're married, sweetheart. Congratulations."

I stared across the table at Sean's wedding band. I couldn't see his face; it was buried in his shaking hands.

"I…I want a divorce," I said.

Liberty looked at me, her eyes red and swollen.

"Emma–"

"Jackie."

She said nothing else.

They had all been crying, yelling, except for the dark haired girl, Manny. She just stared at me and smiled sympathetically, like we shared a secret or something. It was unnerving.

"Anyway," I said, breaking the silence. "We don't even…you don't know me, Sean. So…I do…want a divorce, I mean."

"Fine," he said.

He stood up; the chair he was sitting on fell back. He didn't bother to pick it up as he walked past it, out the door.

They all followed him and I was relieved.

-:-

_Sean_

I threw up as soon as I was in the parking lot.

How?

HOW?

How is this possible? She's alive? She doesn't know me? How?

After all this time, she was right there! This whole year, my life was nothing and here she was. I could reach out and touch her, a concept that only a few hours ago was beyond insane.

And yet, I felt worse.

This was hell.

She wasn't in heaven, waiting to be with me again. I was no longer just biding time until we were together again. She was here, yet not.

So, if her body was here, so clearly NOT dead, but occupied by a different mind, where was my Emma?

Lost forever.

No hope remained for me at all. Not even after my own death would I be with her, as I'd been secretly hoping for, waiting for.

"Get back in there!" Jay yelled, grabbing my arm.

"For what? That's not her."

"Yes, it is," Liberty said.

"My Emma is not in there," I said, my hands pulling on my hair, my chest heaving. "This is worse…knowing she…it was better when she was dead."

Manny was in my face in a flash.

She wound her arm back and slapped me with all the strength in her little body, which was more than I would've imagined.

"What the hell are you doing?" I yelled, and caught her wrist.

"Don't you ever say that, Sean Cameron! She is in there! Somewhere…she's in there, I know it! You cannot shut down now, Sean; you cannot afford to be a coward right now! She needs you. She doesn't know it, but she does, so don't you dare walk away. Don't give up on her!" Manny yelled, tears streaming down her face.

And I knew she was right.

I had to fight for her.

I had to get her back.

My life depended on it.

Without a word I walked back toward the bar and swung the door open. My mind whooshed when I saw her face again and I tried not to flinch when I saw Jesse's hand over hers. She looked up at me nervous, uncomfortable, but not surprised.

I could still read her like a book.

-:-

_Emma_

He was suddenly back in the bar, standing over us. His blue eyes were blazing and his strong jaw was set like stone.

"I said enough for today," Jesse said, standing up.

"What are you going to do, Jesse? Hit me? You can't hurt me, I'm already dead," he said not taking his eyes from me. "I died with you…and if you're in there somewhere, I have to get you back, because it's the only way I can come back to life, too."

"Sean…you don't even know me," I said weakly, shocked by his words.

Then he did something completely unexpected.

He laughed.

"I don't know you? That's rich."

"Look, I'm not that person anym–,"

"Retrograde amnesia. That is what is going on. You have retrograde amnesia. You cannot recall events or people, but in usual cases, the general foundation of personality remains in tact. Likes, dislikes, preferences–,"

"What are you, a doctor?" Jesse asked sarcastically.

"Yes," Sean said.

I married a doctor?

"We don't even know who you are! You could be some kind of freak–" Jesse got cut off. Sean was staring at me.

"You're allergic to green pepper. Your favorite flowers are tulips, but you prefer the scent of freesia. You don't file your nails, you bite them. You have a completely unfounded and ridiculous fear of tidal waves. You will watch any reality television, even if its crap. You hate jazz, you brush your teeth in the shower, there is a mole under your left breast, you can't fall asleep if you don't have your socks on, if you watch a horror movie you have to sleep with the light on for the next three nights, you fall down at least once a day and there is a scar on you abdomen. Wanna know why? You had your appendix out when you were twenty years old, I know because I didn't leave your side the entire time. So, _Jackie_, don't tell me I don't know you. I know everything about you."

I sat there, my mouth hanging open.

He'd been right. About all of it.

Even the tidal waves…Jesse didn't even know that.

And my scar! I had my appendix out. Finally, one mystery solved.

Yet, all of this didn't change the fact that I didn't know him at all.

It was disorienting, scary even, that this man knew me, all of these private things about me.

I was disturbed.

"Get out," Jesse said.

"One more thing," Sean said, smirking. This guy was confident. "No divorce."

"What?" I gasped, glancing at Jess for help.

"You can't stop her from divorcing you," Jesse said.

"No…but I can make it a very difficult and long process."

"Why are you doing this to me?" I asked, my voice cracking.

"I have to," he shrugged. "For my own survival…I have to." He sounded sorry. "I don't want to hurt you. Ever. Just trust–"

"Trust you? I don't even know you! All I know is you came in here and started ripping my life apart!"

"That's funny," he said. "I could say the same thing about you."

"You won't ruin our lives," Jesse said.

"Look, Jesse, I have nothing to lose. Nothing. Yet, I have everything to gain, so I'm going to fight hard for it, because I know how amazing it is."

Jesse glared at him, I saw his fists clench.

"You should be pissed," Sean said, noticing Jesse's fists. "You have everything to lose. Believe me, I know first hand."

"Stop," I said. "It's too much."

"Too much? Baby, your boyfriend over there is a kidnapper! He shouldn't have ever let this get so far. He should've–"

"No! I begged him not to," I said, trying to protect Jesse. "I want to stay with him! He tried to–"

"He didn't try hard enough," Sean said. "And he knows it."

"Please…just go now," I said, knowing I couldn't hear anymore.

He grabbed a piece of chalk from the dart score board and scrawled something on the blackboard.

"This is our address and my phone number. Call me when you want some answers about yourself, I'm the only one whose got 'em," he said, tapping his temple. He slid his ring off of his finger and tossed it on the table. It made a plinking sound.

"Hold on to that for me," he said and walked out the door.


	6. Chapter 6

**CHAPTER 6**

_Sean_

On the ride home, the jeep was filled with intense…emotion. There were spurts of loud talking and excitement, then silent lulls while all of us tried to take this in, what it meant and what we would do next.

I was confident when I left her there, staring at my ring, that she would call. Not necessarily because she wanted to or because she wanted me, but because she would not be able to help herself.

Somewhere between Manny slapping me and walking through that door again, I realized I had the upper hand. I knew her personality and her instincts so well that I could predict her reaction to every move I would make. If I would've stayed and pressured her, she would've gotten angry and more distant. If I begged, she would've gotten scared.

So I left, but before I did, I planted a seed of curiosity in her mind. I offered her answers to all of the questions I knew she had been pondering this past year. Any average person would be starving for these answers as well.

But Emma?

It would eat at her.

It would drive her crazy knowing the answers were right there for her, all she had to do was ask.

On her own terms, she'd come to me, I was sure of it.

I was at a great advantage, I knew her better than she knew herself, and I intended to use it.

"How are we going to tell Spike?" Manny asked, dabbing her eyes with a tissue.

"We're not," I said.

"Don't be stupid, Sean, of course we're going to tell her," Toby said.

"No. Nobody says anything to Emma's parents, not yet," I said.

"If we don't tell them, we're just as bad as Jesse. Worse," Toby said.

I ignored him, pushing the creeping guilt out of my mind. I couldn't be compared to Jesse.

"He'll go there. He'll go in there and yank her out of there and she'll hate us all. Jesse would get arrested–"

"And that would be bad?" Jay asked. "I could think of a lot worse that asshole deserves."

"So can I. But it'll piss her off…look, I hate not being able to rip his head off, okay?"

"Wanna go back?" Jay asked, slowing the car.

"No," I sighed. "Look, she is completely overwhelmed and scared. She feels safe there, with him. If we bring her parents into this, she'll take off. They'll leave. Or she could regress physically, mentally. We just…have to wait. Work on building her trust. She'll come around," I said, but it was killing me to have to behave so rationally.

"He's right," Manny said.

"But how do you know?" Toby asked.

"Because…because it's still her, just without memories, and I know her as well as I know myself," I told him.

"How long do we wait? This can't go on forever," Toby said, looking uneasy.

"It won't. She'll remember," Liberty said, confident.

"I don't know you guys…" Toby said.

"It's like the poem," Liberty shrugged.

We all waited for an explanation.

"The wedding poem…'for I must live because I live and life in me is what you give.' Don't you see it? Of course Emma is alive…if she hadn't survived, Sean wouldn't have either, and vice versa. He gives her life. It's very simple. She can try, but she can't fight fate forever. She'll be back, because Sean is alive."

We stared at her.

"What? It might sound crazy, but it's true. Look, Emma picked that poem because she believed in it. She may not know it, but she still does."

I nodded at Liberty. I could use all the support I could get.

It may be romanticizing the situation, but she was right.

Emma and I belonged together.

She couldn't fight fate forever and I had nothing but time.

The car was quiet until Jay broke the silence.

"Lib, that is the biggest load of bullshit I have ever heard."

-:-

_Emma_

"Married?" I said, kicking off my shoes at the door. "Please! That guy is a nut! Married. Well, if it's true, and I highly doubt it is, I AM getting a divorce!" I fumed. I'd ranted all the way home to Jesse while he was uncharacteristically quiet.

I, on the other hand, was petrified.

Obviously, this guy knew me. Everything he said… and my dreams.

But married?

Jesse could be right. Sean could be some kind of psycho… but why was my gut telling me otherwise?

I looked up at Jesse. He looked devastated.

"Oh, Jess, I'm not going anywhere. Those people–"

"It's true."

"What?"

"It's true. You're married to that guy."

"Just because some guy with a ring shows up–"

"Hang on. I'll be right back," Jesse said quietly. Then he left the room.

When he came back he was holding a small box and he wouldn't look me in the eye.

"Jess, everything is going to be okay… I promise," I said, hoping to sound reassuring.

Jesse fished around in his pocket and pulled out the ring Sean left on the table. I was going to leave it there, but I saw Jesse snatch it up and put it in his pocket before we left. Jesse opened the box he had retrieved from the other room and took something out. Wordlessly, he walked to me and opened my clenched fist. He dropped two rings on my palm. I gaped down at them.

They matched.

Sean's was heavier, thicker and the one Jesse pulled from the box was daintier, feminine…for a woman. The bigger ring was duller, not as shiny as the smaller one, it had a tiny knick on the band and it looked…well, like someone had been wearing it for a year. The smaller ring was shiny, fresh on one half, but I noticed dried blood crusted over part of it. But…they matched. The simple etching around the rings was identical.

"Jesse, where did you get this?" I asked. I wanted him to lie to me. He didn't.

"It's yours. We had to take it off of you…you know," he said, still not meeting my eyes.

"You never–you knew?" I asked. I wasn't sure how I felt.

Maybe angry.

Maybe sad.

Maybe betrayed.

Maybe loved.

"I was never sure of anything. I knew you wore a ring, that was the only thing I was sure of."

"You just…kept this? From me?"

"Jackie, it's not like that. I wasn't sneaking around, hiding the ring. I just never found the right time, and whenever I tried to bring up the possibilities of your past, you'd get mad! Or you'd get sad and…I wasn't even sure what to tell you, I wasn't sure you were married…then that guy walked in and I saw his ring…they were the same. They said he was in the train wreck and then I knew for sure."

He looked up at me, tears brimming on his lids and he looked ashamed, but all I could see was the face of my savior. I wasn't sure if I should be angry or not. All I knew was Jesse saved my life last year and his feelings for me were genuine and true. I couldn't be mad at him.

"Okay," I said, taking a deep breath.

"Okay?" he asked, incredulous.

"Yeah. It's okay… I'm tired, though and I think I'd like to be alone right now."

"Sure, yeah. But Jackie? Don't you think we should talk about this?"

"We will Jess, but I just need to think right now."

"Don't hate me, Jackie."

Hate him?

I could never hate Jesse.

"Never, Jesse. I'm not even mad at you. How could I blame you? Look, this whole thing is crazy. There is no right or wrong in this situation. You did what you thought was best for me. You may even have been right, too. I don't know what I would've done, if the situation were reversed."

"I love you." He'd never said that before.

"I know."

He nodded his head and left the room.

I stood there with the rings in my hand and wondered what else he kept from me.

-:-

Sleep was not going to come. I sat on my bed, still dressed, still confused. I stared at the rings in my hand, trying to make myself remember.

Nothing.

The questions. Every question I'd had about myself bounced around in my mind, screaming for answers. When is my birthday? Have I ever been to Italy? Mexico? Do I even have a passport? Am I nice? Did I have a pet? Where was I born? What was I doing with my life…before it was interrupted? Do I have a best friend? Have I always hated popcorn?

When these answers were nonexistent, I used to make them up, create a history for myself. But now…they were so accessible. I could have real answers, all I had to do was ask and POOF! They'd be there.

The temptation was too much.

I knew I shouldn't go to him. It would give him false hope and he was already in such pain…but I needed this. I hadn't asked for this any more than he had, so why should I deny myself my history? It was mine and I was going to get it.

I tossed the rings on my dresser and crept passed Jesse's room. The light was on but it was quiet, though I was sure he wasn't sleeping. I was quiet so he wouldn't hear me; I didn't want to tell him where I was going. He would insist on coming and I wasn't even sure I wanted to hear what Sean had to say.

What if I was awful? What if he said I'd done horrible things? I had to do this alone. I grabbed Jess's keys from the hook where he kept them and slipped out the door.

-:-

I sat in the car and stared at his house. I once lived there, but nothing seemed remotely familiar. I wanted to turn around and go home to Jesse, but I'd already made up my mind and I couldn't turn back now. I needed this.

I took a deep breath and got out of the car. On shaky legs I stood on the porch and hesitantly tapped on the door. It opened immediately and he was there, stunning and smiling and not the least bit surprised to see me on his porch in the middle of the night.

Well, at least I always had good taste in men.

-:-

_Sean_

Just like I knew she would, Emma showed up in the middle of the night. I waited for her to show up every night this past year. This time, she actually materialized. I was exhilarated.

"Come in," I said and stepped aside. She took a step inside and held up her hand.

"This isn't a social call. I want answers," she said, trying to sound tough. She was scared.

"Got it," I said and turned to lead the way to the living room. I tried to keep my distance from her, to keep my elation from her…but it was hard.

"Do you want to sit?" I asked. I knew she didn't, but her legs were shaking. She sat.

"I like your couch…"she said, looking lost.

"You should. You picked it out."

She looked stricken, then quickly tried to mask it.

"When's my birthday?" she asked abruptly.

"November 17th."

"Where was I born?"

"Toronto, Ontario, Canada."

"I never heard of it," she said to herself.

"Well, your parents split when you were very young, just a few months old. Your mother, her name is Christine Nelson. She remarried to your step-father, Archie Simpson, who taught Media Immersion at our old high school, Degrassi. They had a son together."

"My biological father?"

"Shane McKay used to live in a home for the mentally disabled. When you were just a baby, he… he basically took acid and jumped off a bridge. Cracked his skull, caused permanent brain damage." I watched her face as she took this in.

"Is he still alive?"

"No. He died a few years ago, naturally in his sleep. We did go to his funeral, though. I could try to tell you about him, but I never met him. I just know what you told me." I said gently and slowly.

"Maybe later," she said, her eyes closed. It hurt her more than she expected. I sat on the other end of the couch and tried not to touch her.

"Do I travel?" she asked, getting off of the family subject.

"Sure. We've been all over, especially you. You really don't like being near the ocean, though, because of–"

"Tidal waves," she cut me off and I had to smile.

"Yeah, tidal waves."

"Do I have a pet?"

I laughed and she looked at me puzzled.

"Uh, no. We thought about a dog, but decided to try our luck with a fish first. You killed it and the dog idea went out the window."

"I killed it?"

"You knocked over the fishbowl, you're kind of accident prone. After that you declared yourself an unfit pet owner. You used to worry about the safety of our future children," I smiled, remembering so much that I hadn't allowed myself to in the past year.

Her mouth was pressed in a tight line and I knew the mention of us sharing children frightened her.

"Sorry," I said.

"It's okay. I, um, can I use the bathroom? I just need a second," she said. Before I could open my mouth she was on her feet. I stayed silent and watched her walk down the hall, past two doors and in to the third door down, on the right, directly into the bathroom.

I hadn't told her where it was.

After a few minutes she came out, her eyes were red and her cheeks tear stained.

I smiled at her.

"What?"

"I didn't tell you where the bathroom was. You just knew."

She opened her mouth, and then shut it.

We stared at each other until she broke the silence.

"Can I look? Around the house? I really…don't want to hear anymore right now."

"Of course you can look. It's yours."

I watched her walk from room to room. Occasionally, her fingers would brush across a knick knack or a piece of furniture. As I watched her, a surreal feeling took over me.

Emma was here. In our home. It was so right and familiar to me, like she was a fixture that completed my home. Yet, she looked lost. All of these rooms and everything that filled them were new to her. She touched things carefully and hesitantly, as if they would disappear at any moment.

"Can I?" she asked at the bottom of the stairs.

"You don't have to ask. Come on." And I led the way up the stairs.

By the time we got to our bedroom, she was feeling more comfortable. She opened doors and drawers, picked things off shelves, studying them closely. She stopped at the nightstand on her side of the bed. The side I never slept on. She opened the drawer and her face turned bright red.

"Oh, gosh, I'm sorry… I didn't realize you had a…that someone else…" she stammered. I went over to her and looked over her shoulder, curious myself. I hadn't opened that drawer in a year, it had always been Emma's drawer. I laughed when I saw what had her so embarrassed. Birth control pills.

"They're yours," I said.

"Oh! Oh. Really?"

"Yeah. I don't have…I haven't been with anyone else," I told her. I don't know why, I just wanted her to know.

"I was on the pill?"

I took that to mean she wasn't now. I wasn't sure what that meant exactly.

"Well, yeah. We were going to have kids, after I was done with school and we'd been married a while…but, you know, in the meantime…" I trailed off cautiously. I didn't want her to freak out again.

"Oh. So…I guess, I…" she was curious, dying for details, but too embarrassed to ask.

Classic Emma.

"What do you want to know?" I asked, trying to hide the smile creeping up on my face.

"Well…I guess…I mean, I don't know anything about my past, as far as that goes…I guess I should," she stammered, still staring at the pills.

I sat on the edge of the bed. She took a step back.

"Relax. I'm not going to give you a demonstration," I said.

"This isn't funny!" she said, but the corners of her mouth were twitching up.

"Admit it. This is a crazy situation," I said, trying to get her over her embarrassment.

It was ludicrous. Emma embarrassed about sex, in front of me. If only she knew.

"It's crazy, but it's not funny. Now…just tell me…but don't look at me!" she said, her face still red.

"Well, where should I start?"

"The beginning," she said, solemnly.


End file.
